Hormones are stupid (part 2)

As I sit here, on the toilet, trying to pump a not too laughable amount of milk for my newborn – I can tell you I’m feeling perfectly pathetic.

I have been having such a hard time breastfeeding this kid, first because we can’t seem to ever coordinate and get a good latch – the feedings are so painful I cry. Then I got mastitis, which is a total bitch and hurts like hell. And third because of the mastitis my mill supply has completely dropped. I used to be able to pump about 3 ounces every 3 hours… and now I’m lucky if I can even get 1… yes that’s combining both breasts.

I’m so over this shit. So over the pain, so over my son trying to latch on but getting frustrated and screaming his lungs out. So over not being able to feed him without having to supplement… so over feeling like a failure of a mom.

There are 4 of us at home, and yet, I feel so alone. My husband has been home with me and the 2 boys for the past 2 weeks and he’s going back to work next week… I dread the moment that I will be alone with my toddler and newborn. How am I going to handle 2 of them when I can’t even feed one properly?

Everyone and every blog says to pump more and breastfeed more to increase my milk supply. Sure it makes perfect sense. But how am I supposed to do that when I don’t even have time to eat a sandwich? What am I supposed to do when my son easily drinks 3-4 ounces at a time but I barely produce 1?
Stress doesn’t help… how am I supposed to not stress over this?

I made another appointment with a lactation consultant for tomorrow… my 3rd one since the baby was born. The first 2 couldn’t figure out what I was doing wrong and insisted the pain would eventually go away… it hasn’t. Hopefully the one I’m seeing tomorrow will actually be able to help me, because I’m about ready to throw in the towel.

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