And then I saw the heartbeat

As news of Baby 2 have been settling in my mind, I have found myself having mixed feelings about this pregnancy. Before anyone judges me for being ungrateful, you, reader, have to know that I do understand that I am very fortunate to get pregnant easily. I know that. However, a bit of background is necessary.

When my husband and I decided to have our first baby, I stopped the pill and got pregnant 1 month and a half later. My due date was July 22nd, right in the middle of the summer. The timing was perfect, because as a college instructor, I could take the summer off and prepare for the arrival of our baby as well as spend time with him before returning to work. The fact that the timing was so great was a big stress reliever for my pregnancy. I lived every pregnant day relatively worry-free.
This time around, however, the circumstances are different. Baby 2 was planned, but did decide to join our family sooner than I expected, and therefore we should be meeting him/her around the middle of November… which is a whole month before the end of the Fall semester, which means that I will not be able to finish my instruction with my students, which means that they will need to find a sub for me, which is almost impossible for 5 weeks.

Bring on the stress.

Since the day I got pregnant, that’s all I could think about: what would happen to my job? I almost wished that my 7, yes you read that right, SEVEN, pregnancy tests were wrong. They weren’t. At our first doctor check-up we had an ultrasound to determine how far along we were (because my body was freaking out and not exactly following my birth control schedule, so I had no idea where we were exactly).

As the image of my little jellybean came on to the screen, I stopped hearing what my OB was saying. I stopped breathing for a few seconds as I concentrated to see the little tell-tale flutter of the heart. I couldn’t see it at first and my heart was starting to break. In that moment my Mama instincts kicked in and I stopped caring about my stupid job and my stupid boss and my stupid obsession with timing. WHERE WAS THE HEART… that’s when I saw it. The quick little flutter. My baby communicating with me, telling me “I’m right here, Mom” right as I was ready to cry. I could breathe again.

Jellybean’s perfect 166BPM was a major wake-up call. Two days later I told my boss about Baby 2, I told him that October 31st would be my last day. He was shocked but I left him no other option but to accept the news and “deal” with finding me a sub. I walked out of his office, mentally giving Jellybean a high 5.

Thank you, little one for that swift kick in the ass. I needed it. I don’t know how I got so caught up in the other stuff that I almost forgot to be grateful for the miracle of your arrival. The universe sent you to us in its own time for a reason. It was meant to be. Now I see it, now I remember.

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