Dear Baby J,
Your were born exactly 3 weeks after your cousin. On February 18th, you would have turned 6 months. As the date gets closer, I keep thinking about the little princess you would have been. I wonder how adventurous you would be, and I think about your big girl accomplishments. Would you be sitting on your own by now? Would you be teething? I wonder what your favorite foods would be.
I think about you every day.
The day that I came to see you in the hospital was the hardest day of my life. I remember driving to the hospital, tears rolling down my face the whole time, my hands were sweaty and I thought my heart was going to explode. I talked to you the whole drive, I asked you to wait for me, to hang in there. I asked you to be strong and I prayed. I asked the universe to save you, I asked for the sickness to just go away so you could be healthy. I prayed that the doctors were wrong and that you were going to heal.
When I got to the hospital, Mommy was waiting for me. We held each other tight and cried. We cried tears of relief for being there for each other, and tears of sorrow for being so helpless and powerless. Mommy took me to see you, in your NICU room. When I first laid eyes on you, it felt like someone was reaching into my chest and trying to rip my heart out. You were so perfect. You had jet black curly hair and the cutest little chubby cheeks. Your eyes were closed as if you were resting. You were fighting for your life and we could not help you. I was so angry that I could not take your pain away. I just wanted to kiss it better. I rubbed your little thigh and whispered words of love in your tiny little ear. Mommy and I sat in you NICU room for a long time, holding each other’s hand. I watched your monitors and kept looking for a sign of improvement… it never came.
When you became an angel 2 days after you were born, it almost came as a relief. Your poor little body suffered so much. You were so tired. Finally, you went. I believe that all of us have a role, a mission to accomplish, on this planet before being called back. I believe that your mission was too show all of us what unconditional love truly was. From the moment you were born, and until now, you have taught us what it is to love without limitations. You have showed us that life was very fragile but that every second counts. You have made us stronger.
Baby girl, I want you to know that Mommy and Daddy are very strong,and don’t worry, I’m here to help, too. They miss you every second of every day. Although the pain will never truly go away, they are becoming stronger everyday. You can be very proud of them. Our hearts still feel tight when we think about you, and we still cry… but we find comfort in knowing that you are looking down on us from Heaven.
Auntie loves you, sweetie. Auntie loves you ❤